Chris Warren-Dickins - Author and Therapist

Beyond the blog

How to set boundaries... with love

1/15/2022

 
In a relationship you bring your own baggage.  You may feel more easily triggered, or scared, or angry, in certain situations that are beyond the control of your loved one(s).

When it comes to your emotions, there are no rights or wrongs.  You feel how you feel, but it is how you act on it, and how you communicate those emotions, that counts.  This is where boundary-setting comes in.  Boundaries help you to establish the space within which you can – 
 
  • Feel your emotions
  • Communicate those emotions
  • Work out how your emotions might be causing conflict within your relationship
  • Negotiate with your loved one(s) what you are going to do about that

One approach to all of this is to use DEAR skills to set boundaries with love.  DEAR skills were developed by Marsha Linehan, who created Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  Here is a quick three-minute run-down on using DEAR skills to set boundaries with love -
​
  • Describe your perspective fully, without making assumptions about the other person’s perspective.  Simply describe what you see.
    • This is an example of using your Describe skill - You saying to your loved one(s) "I see your shaking fist and I hear your raised voice, and this seems to me an expression of anger"
    • This is not using your 'Describe' skill - Saying to your loved one(s) "You are angry and I know why"
  • Express your feelings clearly and in a non-accusatory way
    • This is an example of using your Express skill - Saying to your loved one "Although I still love you, I feel scared when you raise your voice and shake your fist near me.  You can express your anger around me, but I wonder whether there is another way for you to do that and still feel heard"
    • This is not using your Express skill - "You wanted to intimidate me so you are doing everything you can to harass me"
  • Assert your boundaries without apology and without dilution.
    • This is an example of using your Assert skill - "I hear that you may not see it my way, but I wanted to share how scared I felt, and this is the way I view it"
    • This is not using your Assert skill - "Perhaps I am wrong, and perhaps it is silly to get scared when you don’t mean to do that"
  • Reinforce - Engage with the other person so they see the benefits of the boundaries you are trying to set, and the potential cost of continuing without these boundaries. For example, ‘I love you enough to be willing to share how I feel when you do that, and I am concerned if we continue like this, I might retreat even further from you’.  There are no threats and no value-compromising promises.
    • This is an example of using your Reinforce skill - "When I feel scared, I am unable to show you my full self, and I am unable to show you the full amount of love I have for you"
    • This is not an example of using your Reinforce skill - "If you don’t change, I will leave"

If DEAR skills are new to you, start slowly.  Try one or two parts of it the next time you need to set your boundaries with love.  

If you would like more tools to tackle relationship conflict, get Beyond the Blue, available from most good book retailers.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
www.chriswarrendickins.com
Psychotherapist, author of Beyond the Blue, and LGBTQ+ advocate ​
#beyondtheblue #beyondthebluebook
 
Picture
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Chris 
    ​Warren-Dickins

    Psychotherapist and author of Beyond Powerlessness, Beyond Burnout, Beyond Loneliness, The Beast of Gloom, Beyond Your Confines: The Workbook, Beyond Your Confines, and Beyond the Blue 

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture book about feelings by Chris Warren-Dickins
    Therapy Workbook by Chris Warren-Dickins
    Therapy book by Chris Warren-Dickins
    Books about depression and the male label by Chris Warren-Dickins
    Subscribe in a reader
    YouTube channel for Chris Warren-Dickins

    Archives

    April 2025
    March 2025
    December 2024
    November 2024
    October 2024
    September 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    September 2023
    June 2023
    March 2023
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    February 2020
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Books by New Jersey author and psychotherapist Chris Warren-Dickins
Learn more

©2025 Chris Warren-Dickins.  All rights reserved
Address: 143 E Ridgewood Ave, #1484, Ridgewood, NJ 07450 

​Disclaimer - The content on this website (“Content”) is created for information only.  You are not to consider any Content as a substitute for professional therapeutic advice or treatment.  No website is a substitute for professional support.  Chris Warren-Dickins does not recommend or endorse any materials, resources, professionals, products, opinions, tests, procedures, or any other information mentioned on this website.  Reliance on any information on this website is solely at your own risk.
  • Home
  • Books
  • Books for adults
    • Beyond Burnout
    • Beyond Loneliness
    • Beyond Powerlessness
    • Beyond Your Confines The Workbook
    • Beyond Your Confines
    • Beyond the Blue
  • The Beast of Gloom
  • About
  • Contact
  • Therapy?
  • Continuing Education
  • Consultation
  • Blog
  • Newsletter
  • Exercises
  • Home
  • Books
  • Books for adults
    • Beyond Burnout
    • Beyond Loneliness
    • Beyond Powerlessness
    • Beyond Your Confines The Workbook
    • Beyond Your Confines
    • Beyond the Blue
  • The Beast of Gloom
  • About
  • Contact
  • Therapy?
  • Continuing Education
  • Consultation
  • Blog
  • Newsletter
  • Exercises